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Marriage – God’s Design for Male-Female Relationships, Part II

In Part I, I described the foundations of marriage in both the Catholic and Protestant traditions, my own marriage journey and ended with the foundation of a Christian marriage.   Now we’ll look at what might hinder your relational happiness and how these issues can be minimized or altogether eliminated. 

Let’s start with a word picture.  Imagine a vase full of water.  The vase is a human soul, let’s say your soul, and the water represents all the bumps and bruises of the world that have affected your soul – which is your mind, your will and your emotions.  As a Christ-follower, now you want to take action to prepare for a healthy relationship, for example, and you begin to read and apply God’s Word to your mind, will and emotions (your soul).  This is like taking a stone and putting it in the vase full of water, again the water representing all the pain, wounds and emotions from your past.  After adding several stones, the truth of God’s Word to the vase of water, what would happen to the water?  It would spill out and be replaced with the Truth of God’s Word!  That is how anyone can redirect their life in a positive way, and it is especially helpful as you hope to have a long- lasting marriage relationship.

God’s Word is primary in Christian pre-marital counseling. If you are a Christian, and God’s Word is not being used in the counseling, find one that is!  The reason pre-marital counseling is so vitally important is that, as I said in Part I, we were all born into Satan’s kingdom. In John 10:10, Jesus tells us, ‘Satan comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but that He comes to give us life, and life more abundantly.”  That verse contains all the wisdom for successful living!  To me it means unless we want Satan to rob us of our lives, the lives God (Jesus) gave us to live abundantly, we need to align ourselves with God and the practical way He has given us to do that is by reading His Word, the Bible, and knowing that He left us His Spirit, the Holy Spirit, who is sealed with our human spirit at the time we sincerely make Jesus our Savior and Lord.  Jesus’ exact words about Holy Spirit in John 14:26 went like this: “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you.“ Our lives can never be truly successful without God and can be immeasurably better - even abundant - as we learn His Truth from His Spirit.

Now, let’s look at real benefits of completing pre-marital counseling. Here’s what I experienced. When my husband and I did this, we were able to express all our expectations for our relationship.  Most couples spend a lot of time and money on preparations for the wedding day, reception, honeymoon, etc. and comparatively little time on preparing for the day-to-day relationship.  Hence, the 50% divorce rate. How can we reduce that? But, let’s continue. 

In the dating relationship, we typically all put our best foot forward, don’t we?  We’re having fun and enjoy being together, we want to see where it goes and don’t want to rock the boat. However, as Neil Clark Warren says in his book, Finding the Love of Your Life, no one should make a decision to get married until they have dated at least two years.  Hmm…  Two years? Yes.  Ironically, while my husband and I were teaching this class, we hit our two-year dating mark and had the biggest argument we ever had!  The reason?  I don’t remember what the disagreement was about, but the reason behind it was we had dated long enough to feel comfortable enough to say the thing we hesitated to say earlier, or ask the question we wouldn’t dare ask sooner.  Letting any other foot go forward can lead to relationship explosions, and if we would’ve been married already when this happened, we could’ve separated over it.

Therefore, I have a testimony that Neil is on to something and we should take him seriously. 

Now at the two-year dating mark, a decision to go forward should be made with the benefit of pre-marital counseling. This can be done with either a pastor, a Christian counselor or married mentoring couple. In the sessions, you will be encouraged to discuss every topic regarding the marriage relationship, including: the spiritual foundation of the relationship, communication, conflict resolution, finances, roles and responsibilities, intimacy and sexuality, family and children.  I’d like to point out here, the all-important topic of conflict resolution.  If you haven’t been successful prior to this in resolving conflicts, these 6 weeks will give you plenty of practice, and I believe it will be well worth the effort and time you take to work through any conflicts during this time.  It will pay great dividends throughout the marriage.

Remember a few paragraphs back I mentioned the bumps and bruises we get living in Satan’s kingdom?  Here is where they should all be revealed, making an interesting time with your pastor, counselor or mentoring couple. Oh goodie. The time your parent (or a teacher) said something about you that you can’t forget, or forgive. A previous relationship that ended due to unfaithfulness, maybe your unfaithfulness. That addiction you struggle with to pornography or gambling.  It all needs to come out, no stone left unturned.  Stones. Where did I mention stones before?  I’m going to tie it up here. 

God’s Word is healing to your soul.  Remember the parts – your mind, your will and your emotions.  The experiences of life, both good and bad, land in our mind and affect our emotions and our will or our attitude about it and the future.  Psalm 23: 2-3 says, “He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul.” And Psalm 147:2 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” We all need some healing from the world and it’s so important to discuss it with a trusted third party in order to lay a worthy foundation for a Covenant with God.  More about that in Marriage – God’s Design for Male - Female Relationships, Part III.